PATHLIGHT: Condolences

Originally from the U.S., Annie earned her Canadian Citizenship in 2013. Annie & her Husband live in Pic River First Nation.  She works as full-time as an Adult Mental Health and Addictions Therapist at the Marathon office of North of Superior Counseling Programs. Annie Wenger-Nabigon, MSW, RSW has been a cinical social worker since 1979 working in mental health, family therapy, and addictions services. She is a doctoral candidate at Laurentian University in Sudbury, ON. Annie also works part-time as a consultant for LYNX, owned by her husband Herb Nabigon, MSW. Herb provides traditional Anishnabek teachings and healing workshops for both Native and non-Native organizations. Together he and Annie provide training and education to professionals on a wide range of topics blending mainstream and traditional approaches in healing. They also provide cultural safety and anti-racism training. Do you have questions re: mental health, living a good life, relationships, etc. ?Annie would love to hear them and may even include your questions in a future column (published by-monthly exclusively on OntarioNewsNorth.com) Send your comments or questions to Annie via email to Pathlight@OntarioNewsNorth.com

This is the time of year when our part of the planet is heading toward the shortest day of the year. Autumn is the time when we think of a sweet summer season coming to a close, a harvest soon over, and a Halloween Holiday just around the corner. Halloween time is sometimes known by another name, “Day of the Dead”. Some people still understand that this is a time of year when spiritual matters come closer to the physical world, and for some this can be a frightening experience associated with death.

When someone dies we commonly send our “condolences” to family and friends. Whether or not we believe in a hereafter or a spiritual reality, we all can understand the pain of losing someone near and dear to us. When we remember times of loss it can be easy to feel again the sadness and grief that accompanies the death of a loved one. Acknowledging sadness is a way to express condolences and sympathies, even when we feel helpless to lift the grief that lingers.

Why is death so hard for human beings to deal with? It is a normal part of the life of every living thing on the planet, yet we have so few ways in our culture to normalize the experience of death, grief, and suffering from loss. At other times, and in other cultures, dealing with death was a natural part of day-to-day life, and rituals around the experience of grieving were a normal part of social activity. In our busy, driven world of modern times, though, we don’t seem to be able to acknowledge death, loss, and grief in ways that help to make the experience less painful. Too often, grieving families and individuals are left to face that pain alone, or worse, expected to go on as if nothing happened. They are expected to return to normal routines very quickly and wear a brave face for the world to see.

What happens when grief hits hard and no one is there to help, and there seems to be no way out? Can we go to the store and buy condolences for ourselves? Send ourselves flowers? Privately mourn in compartmentalized times and secretly shed our tears? Dealing with grief alone can lead to “dead ends”. When grief is cut off, hidden, feared and avoided it will exact a toll on our bodies, minds, and emotions, and create ripple effects of bigger problems which can last for generations.

The Haudenosaunee peoples of North American have a long tradition of a Condolence Ceremony, sometimes known in English as a ceremony “To Wipe Away the Tears”. The ceremony is very sacred. When the September 11, 2001 tragedy at the World Trade Towers occurred on the traditional territories of the Leni Lenape Nation, the ripple effect was felt round the world and continues through time. This year on September 12th a spiritual leader from the Haudenosaunee and a spiritual leader from the Leni Lenape peoples met at that site and conducted together a Condolence Ceremony (http://www.amerinda.org/newsletter/5-4/ceremony.htm). This inspiring ceremony helps to carry forward a healing intention that can continue to help those who still mourn the losses of September 11, 2001.

Perhaps when we mourn and are in need of condolences, we can find a way to create meaningful ceremonies for ourselves that will help lift the sorrow. Other options to move forward creatively are to seek out traditional leaders or spiritual leaders from our faith traditions, who can conduct a ceremony for us. It is never too late to do these ceremonies, as each time we re-visit a loss there is opportunity to find a little more resolution of pain.

We can find meaning in our losses, even when that would seem like an impossible thing to even consider. Condolences do not change the past, or remove what has happened, but acknowledging the loss through a meaningful process can help us as humans to deal with what is natural, though difficult. Talking to a pastor, a friend, or a counselor – or even a pet or the big wild outdoors – can give us something we need to move on. Without condolences we can get stuck, and mired down in grief with few options but to continue to numb the pain through work, or substance abuse, or other distractions. Condolences help us to invest in living our full life.

Today as I acknowledge the losses in my life, I consider the recognition I give to those losses, and think about all the miraculous ways condolences have come into my life to help me heal. I’m glad I know that the Condolence Ceremony of “Wiping Away the Tears” exists, even if I do not know what it is like or have opportunity to experience it. I can find ways to talk about losses I have experienced and move forward, giving myself condolences instead of getting stuck in sorrow, anger, or self-pity.

This is a good time of year to think about these things. I’m sad to see summer go – it was too short! I’m going to miss the beautiful leaves of autumn and long walks on the shore, but even in winter there is a lot to look forward to. This is a good time of year for reflection.

Annie Wenger-Nabigon, MSW, RSW 
Pathlight@OntarioNewsNorth.com

ANNIE RECOMMENDS:

• The Hollow Tree by Herb Nabigon 
• EldersTeachings.blogspot.com 
• Pathlight: Journey to a Good Life archives

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*Health themed columns found on OntarioNewsNorth.com provide general information about medical conditions and treatments.  The information is not advice, and should not be treated as such. If you have any specific questions about any mental health or other medical matter, please consult your family physician, primary health care team or other professional healthcare provider.

Opinions and information contained in any column on  OntarioNewsNorth.com are not intended to replace medical advice from your doctor or other professional health care provider. If you feel you are suffering from a mental or physical health issue, you should seek medical attention immediately.  The information shared in this column or anywhere on OntarioNewsNorth.com does not constitute medical advice nor should any person delay seeking, disregard or discontinue medical treatment because of information contained in PATHLIGHT: Journey to a Good Life or on OntarioNewsNorth.com.

The opinions provided by contributors on OntarioNewsNorth.com do not necessarily those of OntarioNewsNorth.com its advertisers or other contributors on the site.

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