Pathlight: Journey to the Good Life — TRUE LOVE
Annie Wenger-Nabigon MSW, RSW, Author of Pathlight on OntarioNewsNorth.com
Originally from the U.S., Annie now enjoys retired life at Pic River First Nation. Annie Wenger-Nabigon, MSW, RSW has been a clinical social worker since 1979 working in mental health, family therapy, and addictions services. She is a doctoral candidate at Laurentian University in Sudbury, ON. Annie also works part-time as a consultant for LYNX, owned by her husband Herb Nabigon, MSW. Herb provides traditional Anishnabek teachings and healing workshops for both Native and non-Native organizations. Together he and Annie provide training and education to professionals on a wide range of topics blending mainstream and traditional approaches in healing. They also provide cultural safety and anti-racism training. Do you have questions re: mental health, living a good life, relationships, etc. ?Annie would love to hear them and may even include your questions in a future column (published by-monthly exclusively on OntarioNewsNorth.com) Send your comments or questions to Annie via email to Pathlight@OntarioNewsNorth.com
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True Love
“Every human being on earth comes from a relationship”, the Elder’s gentle voice was firm, speaking words passed down to him from older ones who carried knowledge from time immemorial. The silent, attentive group sat around the fire and listened intently to his teachings about time and relationship, the teachings of the South Door of the Medicine Wheel. “We all come from our mother, on a river of water, and she is our first teacher about love and relationship.” These were ancient messages, echoing through the forest around us, reflected in the flickering flames of the fire softly crackling as we sat and meditated on thoughts of love. It is a favorite memory of mine, this event I participated in during the first winter I spent in Canada. Meeting my Anishnaabe family-by-marriage, and learning about their traditions, was opening my heart to love in a new way.
I think it can be said that everyone alive today has pondered the mysteries of love, one way or another, and some have found answers that cause the heart to blossom with beauty, and others have found bitter disappointment. It is all part of the human condition. In my last column I wrote about lessons of love, which I continue here. This past week in many places in the world people gave gifts to symbolize their love to each other in celebration of a day which captures the heart’s longing of so many people. I am still pondering what it all means. Maybe jewelry and candy stores had a spike in their profits, maybe restaurants were a bit busier, but did the day bring more love into the world? And did we learn more about “true love”?
In the “Western World” as we know it, romance is often associated with true love. Romantic relationships are characterized by emotional experience, and sometimes lots of drama (but not necessarily sexual involvement). We all know people who seem to be more in love with the drama of romance than truly in love, but do we know how to spot the difference in our own lives? Do you remember the Peanuts cartoon where Charlie Brown is going to the mailbox, hoping for a Valentine card from the little red-headed girl he loves? When he opens the mailbox, there’s Snoopy with a big sloppy puppy-dog kiss! Snoopy truly loved Charlie Brown! We can feel deep emotional attachments to people or pets or even a beloved car, without romantic involvement.
Romance has a long tradition in the cultural history of Europeans, and today has become synonymous world-wide with the desirability of a committed loving relationship. It really has very little to do with true love, however much it may sweeten the relationship between sweethearts. Some languages, like Greek, have many different words for love, and each word carries a different meaning, but it’s all about love. Agape means “true love” or deep love; eros means a sensual, or sexual, love attachment; philia means an affectionate friendship type of love; and storge means an affection one would have for an offspring, or even someone you “put up with”.[1]
Most people who have a longing for a romantic love relationship are seeking an emotional attachment that encompasses all the different types of love we can experience. Many times people don’t even know what it is they really want. I suspect that sometimes people “fall in love” because they want to love themselves and don’t know how, or they want someone to love them to take away their loneliness, or they are looking for a “mommy” or “daddy”. It isn’t easy to find true love. Just look at all the movies, TV shows, songs, poems, plays and literature that exist around the topic of love. People have been making a living from love for a very long time!
One thing we know for sure, and that is that true love excludes certain things. You can’t have true love when the relationship is more about pain than it is about caring – that’s addiction. There is no true love when someone is using another person to gain pleasure or power at the other person’s expense. True love has no room for neediness or possessiveness. There is no room for lying, hiding, or manipulating in true love. In fact, if there is anything more poisonous to true love than deception, I don’t know what that is.
In reality, true love is often difficult, and calls for sacrifices to be made because you truly care about the other person’s well-being and would even lay down your life for them, but that means you first of all love yourself and know what you are doing. It means you know what true love means to you and you’re OK with the choices you make. You don’t need someone else to be romantically involved with to make your life good – it already is good because you are true to yourself and truly love you.
I remember a play I saw 40 years ago about love, and the 2 main actors were a couple that I knew. They had written the play themselves and played the characters with the honesty and transparency that they lived out in their lives. I’ve never forgotten one of their lines: “I love you! I want you! I need you! I don’t love you because I need you, but I want you because I love you and I need you because I want you! You are free to not love me, free to not want me, free to not need me, and I will let you go. But I will still love you.” That is the kind of unconditional love that is the foundation of true love.
I’m interested to know about your experiences with true love. If you have ideas to share, or questions, please email me at Pathlight@OntarioNewsNorth.com. I’d love to hear more from my readers about true love!
Annie Wenger-Nabigon, MSW, RSW
Pathlight@OntarioNewsNorth.com
[1] I’ve known about these different words since childhood days in Sunday School, but for more information you can look them up in Wikipedia.
ANNIE RECOMMENDS:
- The Hollow Tree by Herb Nabigon
- EldersTeachings.blogspot.com
- Pathlight: Journey to a Good Life archives
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*Health themed columns found on OntarioNewsNorth.com provide general information about medical conditions and treatments. The information is not advice, and should not be treated as such.
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