Generosity. Blessings. Pain. Frustration.
I finally took up the offer of yet another very kind lady who had given me her phone number during the bad months at the beginning of the year when I was going to the hospital in way too many taxis. I felt a little odd calling someone I don’t know for a ride but figured she would not have given me her number and offered if she didn’t want me calling.
Today has not been terribly useful, this is a real bummer as the weekend is now ending and my to-do list has lenghtened considerably. I was very much looking forward to worship at the Pentacostal church this morning as I had heard there was to be a band, I think from out of town. Not only did I not make it but Daniel decided not to take the kids either and I know they were also looking forward to going. I am still trying to play catch up from the months of being out of commission, my house is so disorganized and quite embarassing when my the few ppl whom I’ll still invite in, do.
On the bringht side, I am feeling so blessed (and like my prayers were answered) that Dr. MacT. ordered my steroids without any delay so at least I won’t get much further behind before being able to play more catch up (I’m asuming they will be successful as I have no reason to believe otherwise). Unfortunately he changed the range on my standing order (I think I may have mentioned this already but it is a big deal) and today (as last night) I am in an excrutiating amount of pain. My knees feel like there are knives being stabbed in under my knee caps, my bones are as usual feeling like I have some kind of spikes being driven up them and it is discouraging and depressing to be in contstant pain. I actually just went to the hospital an hour early without even realizing it, the nurse was patient with me (I think she knew it was an honest mistake), the last injection I received had done absolutely nothing and it felt like I had been in pain all day with no relief at all which added to my mistake with the time. I was given the message that the Doc recommended I take the slow-release meds I have at home… WHAT SLOW RELEASE MEDS??? I have not had a prescription of ratio-morphine filled since last summer. I had asked my family doc exactly that seeing him at the emerg when Lloyd was sick. He seemed to think there was no hurry and said we would have to discuss it at my appoitment, I tried to point out that my appointment was not until the end of April, askig him if he suggest I be in pain until then to no avail. Now it’s even more frustrating hearing that Dr. MacT. thought like I did that they may help.
So, in an hour from now when I go back to the er I will only be receiving 4mg and have to hope somehow it will work when it has not since yesterday… Perhaps the nurse will have passed along the message that I do not have ratio-morphine at home and that I was not asking for the order to be changed (I didn’t think it was necessary as I am hopeful to be getting better as my treatment goes on, I just really needed a break from this pain for a while).
Also, I have 2 children, not just one and normally when Emeraude is with her father this offers an opportunity for Lloyd and I to enjoy some time together which has not been the case yesterday or today. I have been stuck in my bed for the most part and this is not why I have children. I have children because I wanted to enjoy life with them, do things with them, teach them, guide them, worship with them… I have let Lloyd down this weekend and this is dissapointing.
Thank God for helping Daniel be there for Emeraude so that I don’t feel so desperate to argue (I have alot of respect for Dr. MacT. and wouldn’t want to end up saying something inconsiderate out of pain and frustration…) I just really really pray that somehow he will understand I need some relief at least once a day and change it just for at least one injection (actually 2 would be preferable, that way I could have a couple useful hours at the end of my day AND get to sleep enjoying a normal level of pain).
It’s so frustrating to have so many people I need to explain myself to and justify every little request to. The triage nurse or secretary, the er nurse, the doctors, my family doctor. I wish there was some way for things to be more syncronized to make this repetitiveness unessecary as it is the cause of much stress which of course does not make the ods of my meds doing there best very high. Stress, since being diagnosed with MS (and possibly trigering the diagnosis) has not agreed with me… It, without fail, accompanies more pain, more fatigue and less success with the steroids/pain meds or anything else I am trying to improve my condition.
Prayers welcome.
